What Is Your Avoidance Costing You?

What if some of the decisions you think are wise, practical, or responsible aren't actually being shaped by what you want, but by what you're trying not to feel?

Sometimes we think we're moving toward something when we're actually moving away from rejection, failure, conflict, disappointment, grief, loneliness, or uncertainty.

And avoidance isn't passive.

It's quietly creating a life.

Avoid rejection, and you may also avoid connection.

In this episode, I share a personal story about moving away from home more than 20 years ago without a job and barely knowing anyone, and why I now see that decision differently.

We'll also try a simple coaching experiment together:

What am I moving toward?
What am I moving away from?

This isn't about judging ourselves for avoiding uncomfortable emotions. It's about becoming aware of what's actually making our decisions so we have the freedom to choose intentionally.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Freedom Camp Podcast, rooted in truth, growing in freedom, and built on the belief that you weren't meant to grow alone. Each week I'll share honest stories, insights, and simple questions to help you explore the unseen things that keep you from living in the freedom that's already yours. And take brave intentional steps toward the life you were made for. This is your space to reconnect with your authentic self and grow in freedom on purpose. Well, actually, it started a few years ago when I was wondering, what if the majority of the decisions in our lives aren't actually shaped by what we want, but rather by what we're trying not to feel? Have you ever noticed how sometimes decision may feel wise or practical or responsible? But underneath, it's really about avoiding something, maybe rejection or failure, conflict, disappointment, grief, or loneliness. And I started wondering: what if every emotion that I avoid is quietly choosing something else for me? What if the goal isn't to avoid hard things or hard feelings, but rather to create the life that God is inviting me into? So here's what I noticed. I think I've spent years believing that I was making thoughtful, intentional decisions. And many of them were. That many decisions are made thinking I'm moving towards something, when they're actually more about me moving away from a feeling. And those aren't the same thing. And then another thought came. So the question is whether you're creating your life intentionally, or are you letting avoidance create it for you? So I wanted to share a story about where avoidance and creating your life kind of collide. So 20 plus years ago, when I moved to Tennessee, it was four hours away from home. I did not feel brave. I actually felt anxious, uncertain, and lonely and confused. And I had a, I guess, a six-month lease or something. But underneath all of that, there was this other feeling. There was this invitation to find out what I was made of. And I think a lot of that was based on me still hanging out with kids that I'd been in kindergarten with. And not that there's anything wrong with that. It is precious to have lifelong friends in your life. But what I was noticing was I had been kind of unintentionally put in these boxes, like many of us are. This is who Gretchen is, this is what she can do, this is how she is, this is what she's like. And I wasn't so sure that they were actually true. Like how much of that box, that how I was known to be, was actually me, and how much of it was survival, was um patterns and habits and ways of being that I had picked up to get through my life, to get through family and school and anything else. And so it's right there that avoidance and and and creating the life that you want collide. Because I could have stayed and I could have continued avoiding confronting that, because a lot of these survival things, these habits and and ways of being were created out of a place of wanting to avoid. Or I could just go for it and I could just move. Clearly I moved. But looking back, what I realized is if I had created my life around avoiding loneliness or avoiding failure or avoiding uncertainty, I would not have the life that I now have. And it's not because those emotions would have disappeared, but because I stopped letting them make my decisions, make those little decisions each day that end up creating the life that we have. And so I've learned that courage isn't the absence of uncomfortable emotions, and that it's choosing not to let those emotions make our decision for us. So I'm curious, is there an area of your life maybe where you've been calling something wisdom when maybe it's really fear? Maybe it's fear of rejection or fear of failure and no shame. 100% natural, normal, human to uh avoid. Our brains are are wired to the familiar, to keep us safe, to keep things predictable. And when we grow and when we push out of that and we grow in freedom, or we grow in creating the life that we want or that that God wants for us, that conflicts with with our brain. And so what ends up happening is there's a pattern. And so we often think that avoidance does one thing, which is to keep us safe, but that's actually not all that it does. I think it's quietly creating a life. Avoid rejection, and you may also avoid the connection that you desperately want. Avoid conflict, and you may also avoid intimacy, avoid failure, and you may also avoid growth, avoid grief, and you may also avoid love. And suddenly avoidance doesn't feel passive anymore. So then I wondered, what if my life isn't primarily being shaped by what I'm creating, but rather by what I'm avoiding. And most of the time, it isn't about moving across country. Uh sometimes it's just not making the phone call, or not applying for the job, or not telling someone how we really feel, maybe not setting that boundary, or not trying something because we might fail. Avoidance isn't always a big dramatic move. Actually, it's usually quite ordinary, which is the insidious part of it, because it can be so hard to notice that what we're really doing is avoiding things. And so then we never do see it until we look at the life that we have compared with the life that we want, and we finally see this gap between them that was created by all of those little decisions over the years made by avoiding things that we'd rather not feel. So I would like to invite you to join me in an experiment. This is what I'm doing this week. When I make a decision, I am trying to pause and ask myself two questions. What am I moving toward and what am I moving away from? And I don't need perfect answers, I just want to notice. Because awareness changes everything. And maybe you'd like to try it too. So here's an example of how this what this looks like. A couple days ago, I randomly saw that there's an open mic night tonight for or with a writer's group that I am a part of. And you know, I'm working on getting my book ready for publishing. I've got Substack essays, and I love to write, but it's also very intimidating for me to stand prep personally and share my writing with other people. Not not like something that I would want to do. And yet I felt this tug like sign up, just sign up, just do it. And so I asked myself, well, what am I moving toward? Well, what am I moving toward? Um, anxiety, nervousness, anxious, um, anxious anxiety. Clearly that's where I am. Um and also, what am I moving away from? I'm moving away from being small, being hidden, being fearful, risking somebody not liking it, etc. And and so in a few hours that's what I'm doing. Do I feel all calm and relaxed and peaceful about it? No, not at all. Um, am I already kind of like anticipating like I can't wait for it to be over? Yes. Will I be glad I did it? Definitely. That's the beauty of hitting the things that are hard dead on, and just doing it anyway. Do it afraid, it's okay. So, in closing, so one of the things that I love about coaching is that awareness usually comes before change, and that we don't have to force transformation, we begin by noticing. So, this week, here's the question I'd love for you to carry. If I weren't trying so hard to avoid fill-in-the-blank thing, what might I be free to create? Don't rush the answer, but just notice what comes up. Stay curious and keep becoming. If this stirred something in you, let it take root this week and see what grows. And if you enjoyed this or found it meaningful, please give the gift of a review, share it with a friend, and leave a comment below. It helps us build this podcast community because we weren't meant to grow alone.